Photo by Dmitriy Tyukov on Unsplash

Guess who's not coming to dinner?

"There will be NO enrollments or sales at this seminar, so leave your checkbook at home."

OMG, another "FREE Medicare Seminar" announcement arrived for me in today's mail. This one's at a local chain Mexican restaurant. I think the last one or two were at moderately high-end steak restaurants...or maybe those were "free financial planning seminars." Yeah, they were the ones sponsored by attorneys who wanted to set me up with a new family trust. I already have one, so the joke would be on them if I showed up just to eat, said "But I've already got one," and skedaddled.

The word skedaddled is fun to type. Only two letters aren't on the middle line of the keyboard and they are both the same letter.

Easy. And fun.

"I will never steer or lead you to any one plan."

But back to this particular junk mailing. It's from a "local, independent insurance agent" with "an amazing wife, a two-year old son and a newborn on the way, and a Labrador, Stella. I enjoy spending time with my family and friends and outdoor activities such as golfing, surfing and snowboarding."

Now I have questions.

If you put in an unsolicited insurance mailing that your wife is amazing, what specific skill or ability does she have and is it truly amazing? She smiles a lot and puts up with you selling Medicare plans to 64-year-old coots? Not amazing. A former Cirque du Soleil contortionist who is now an Assistant Professor of Condensed Matter Physics at Caltech? Amazing. Where on the spectrum of amazing is she?

In other words, Matt Fletcher, we need way more specifics about your family or your whole house of Medicare cards is in danger of collapse.

"You should be educated about all of the rules before you make these decisions."

In your 30-minute seminar (including questions!) over a limited-menu Mexican platter I'll be as informed about Medicare as a member of the House Ways and Means Committee? I don't think so, Matt. But let's do chat about how you punched that juvenile great white on the nose at Zuma while your were paddling out last month. 

Gnarly!

"I will explain ALL plan types and I am completely unbiased."

Look, Medicare only has four parts...A, B, C and D. Maybe a half hour is too much time. Can you summarize this further, Matt? Maybe ratchet it down some more? I've only got a few good years left. 

Places to go, things to do. Pick up the pace, man!

However I'm very pleased to learn that you are completely unbiased. Independent insurance agents are widely known for this trait, especially when their commissions are significantly higher from Company X when compared with the paltry commissions from Companies Y and Z.

I'm already rolling my eyes.

"Presentation will start at 6 pm sharp!"

We need to come to an understanding, Matt. I'll get there when I get there. I may be finishing a Cadillac Margarita in the bar or something and roll into your speech around 6:20 pm. And I do need to get home for Jeopardy at 7 pm, and it's a 10-minute drive from the El Torito.

Summarize, Matt. Summarize.

"No children please."

This is kind of a deal breaker. There is a significant homeless problem in Los Angeles County and I do all I can to bring a malnourished waif with me to each and every free dinner seminar I attend.

Matt, I'm gonna have to pass on your kind offer. You take care, and pet Stella for me when you get home.

Cowabunga.